5 Important Facts About Temper Tantrums & How To Survive Them As A Parent

So you are in the grocery store one afternoon, casually strolling down the cereal aisle when all of a sudden a shriek from the cart in front of you interrupts your thoughts. Next thing you know this little body with straggly hair, which appears to be a child, is thrashing on the floor, kicking, screaming and crying.

You watch in horror as the mother of this child just patiently stands a short distance from the tantruming child, reviewing her grocery list while selecting a healthy box of cereal from the shelf.

Your trying not to gawk but wow this sure is a big tantrum! Will it ever end, you wonder.

The mother of the tantruming child, without saying a word, slowly starts to push her cart down the aisle just a short distance from her child, who is no longer kicking and screaming but looks up to see where her mommy is.

A few seconds later (which feels like hours) the child stands up, wipes the tears off her face and runs to her mommy, grabbing onto the cart and walks alongside it.

What I notice next surprised me! The mom gently rubs her child's back, plants a kiss on her head and continues shopping as if nothing happened.

This woman must be a saint you think to yourself as you run through ideas of how you would react to such an embarrassing situation. How in the world did this mom keep her cool? Doesn't the child deserve to be punished for such inappropriate behavior?

Before having kids I never thought this type of scenario would ever happen to me. I would be the perfect mom with the perfect kids, kids who didn't throw tantrums.

Boy was I wrong! As a seasoned mom of four, I have endured my fair share of tantrums both in private and public venues. I've gotten over the staring eyes of those around me and their judgmental glares, whispers and snickers. It's just another day in the life of a mom of little ones!

If you're a mom and your kids throw tantrums please know that this is NORMAL. I've learned that every kid throws their own kind of tantrum too - some throw themselves on the floor kicking and screaming, some stand stomping their foot, arms crossed with a look that could kill on their face and some kids throw tantrums by trying destroying stuff (throw toys, pull books off shelves, knock down blocks).

As a new parent there are some things you should know about temper tantrums and how you can survive your first one! The best place to start is to talk to your pediatrician. Children as young as 12 months old can start throwing tantrums so it is best to be prepared and educated so that you know what to do for your child.

First off, "just give the kid what they want" or "giving in" to a tantrum is probably some advice you have heard or gotten from friends or family. This is a very ineffective way to handle these difficult situations which might work for the short term (sometimes) but going forward do you really want your child conditioned to pitch a fit every time he/she wants something? I don't think so! Also, punishing your child every time they throw a tantrum should not be your sole response. Realizing that tantrums are not always a child's attempt to manipulate their parents will help you understand what your child is really feeling and going through.

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Five Things to Know About Temper Tantrums

1 - Emotional Growth Spurts

Young children are growing in leaps and bounds, especially emotionally! Many times their emotions are beyond their self control which is common when they are experiencing a developmental growth spurt. Think of this like a scale. On one side of the scale is Self Control and on the other side is Abilities & Thinking. When a developmental spurt occurs the scales tip in favor of the Abilities & Thinking side causing an imbalance with the Self Control side resulting in a tantrum.

2 - Frustration

Life is frustrating even for kids! Your child might feel a strong desire towards something but hasn't yet developed the words to express themselves resulting in frustration and many times a tantrum. Their own emotions may make it hard to even express themselves verbally resulting in an even greater amount of frustration. 

My youngest struggles with expressing himself verbally when he feels angry. The emotion he feels is so strong he just can't find the words to express himself so he gets even more angry and in many cases it results in a tantrum. 

Understanding your child's threshold for frustration can be impacted by other factors such as hunger, feeling hungry, stress or even physical pain (see #4 below). 

3.  Sense of Self

"Mine, mine, mine!" screams your little one as a sibling or a friend starts to play with one of their toys.  (If I had a nickel for every time I heard this "song", oh boy would we be loaded!) 

Sharing is such a difficult concept for your toddler to understand as they are experiencing the development of a sense of self and can be a trigger for those tantrums. Until they are 3 years of age or older, sharing is not something they fully grasp. They are learning about how to satisfy their own needs by using phrases like "I want" or "mine" and a lot of times saying "no" as they learn how to make choices. 

4. Underlying Medical Condition

A typical temper tantrum lasts anywhere from 90 seconds to 15 minutes depending on the child's disposition, their age and the situation. The frequency of tantrums should start to decrease around age 4. If you notice an increase in tantrums or the tantrums get worse it is wise to consult with your child's pediatrician to make sure there are no physical or emotional problems causing the tantrums. 

Simple irritations like loud noise, itchy fabric or elastic waistbands can be cause for mild stress in children under age 7 however children with a sensory integration disorder could find these types of irritants unbearable resulting in a tantrum. Also, mental health conditions like ADHD, anxiety or depression can trigger tantrums in children and in many cases require an intervention by trained medical personnel. Additional medical conditions like celiac disease, migraines or sickle cell disease that cause physical pain to your child could be the reason for excessive tantrums. If you think or suspect that your child has an underlying medical condition it is best to talk with your child's doctor right away.

5. Manipulation Game

Do you have a strong willed child whose tantrums seem like a never ending battle of wills? Do you see their tantrums as manipulative which in turn makes you react with anger wondering when you should teach your child a lesson? 

All parents wonder the same thing especially when the tension during a tantrum is high and it seems that everyone around you is watching your flailing, screaming child - any you. Keep your cool and communicate clearly to your child what their choices are beforehand and STICK TO IT. 

Never give into your child just to stop the tantrum. This teaches your child that they can get what they want with a temper tantrum. Set the rules and stick to them and don't feel guilty about saying no. Waffling between rules confuses children and they don't know what rules are firm and which ones are not. 

Many times you have to say no to protect your child from something that is harmful and can cause injury. This might trigger a tantrum but it is always more important to keep your child safe. 

How To Survive A Temper Tantrum As A Parent

So how do you as a parent survive your child's temper tantrums? Here are some tips and tricks to get you through those tough times.

• Remain calm - shouting or getting angry and losing your cool will only add fuel to the fire. 
• Distract or redirect your child and take their focus away from what is starting to trigger a tantrum. 
• Ignore minor tantrum behavior like screaming, crying and kicking. Intervention can become necessary if your tantruming child is hurting someone or throwing objects that could hurt someone - this is when you step in and stop them.
• Give your child a break or time out. Removing them from the place where they are throwing their tantrum and providing a safe place to "cool off" can help them learn how to have better self control. A good rule of thumb is 1 minute of time-out for every year of your child's age.

Parenting Resources

Looking for some additional advice and resources to help you with your parenting journey? Here are a few books and tools  I recommend (affiliate links):

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